Stage Fright
by Skuzzbucket
Summary: Zaraki Kenpachi is asked to speak to incoming Shinigami Students.  Remember, he's just as scared of you as you are of him.


STAGE FRIGHT

Unofficial sounds-

5/4- Gorillaz

Get Your Guns- Nine Black Alps

Fortune and Fame- The K.G.B.

It's a Disaster- OK Go

Kenpachi hissed, "How did you talk me into this again?"

"Because 11'th company is running out of recruits and having Ken chan say hello might make them like us!" Yachiru whispered back.

"I don't WANT to be liked." Ikkaku lounged irritably to the side of the stage, casting angry glances over at the massing students in the Shinigami Academy auditorium. The constant influx of yet more green hopefuls hadn't stopped for half an hour. Sereitei was a big place, and it took some time to gather all its members of a given demographic.

Kenpachi scratched his head, shaking his hedgehog hair and making his bells chime. The sound made Yumichika and Ikkaku look up. "Taicho, are you… scared?" Ikkaku queried, not quite believing it himself. The idea of his captain being afraid of anything was like wishing for hair. Admittedly, he checked his mirror every morning, but he never got his hopes too far up.

Kenpachi growled. "NO." he said, snarling at his subordinates. But he gripped his sword tightly, wishing to speak to people he understood, like serial killers. Yachiru poked the side of his head. "Everyone likes Ken chan!" She said, effusively. "He's a famous fighter! Everyone's gonna want to hear what he has to say!"

"Yachiru, Taicho is a famous murderer, pillager, and killer known for his merciless and horrific fighting style. Lets not get carried away."

"Yumichika, why don't you do it?" Kenpachi griped, pushing his sword in and out of its sheath with his thumb. His foot tapped loudly on the hollow stage. "You talk so much I want to kill you."

"But taicho, don't you want to kill me anyway?" Snarked the feathered shinigami back, fluttering his eyelashes. Kenpachi groaned and cracked his neck.

Unohana Taicho walked up the stage and patted Zaraki on the elbow. "You better review your speech, we're going to start in a few minutes." She walked away, organizing, administering, solving problems.

Kenpachi opened up the battered, bloody, and ripped piece of paper he had. He'd sat down last night, at Yachirus insistence, and painstakingly scribbled out every word. It had taken four hours, lots of misspellings, grammatical corrections from Yachiru and Yumichika and even Ikkaku, and half his room covered in ink-smeared, crumpled paper. What he was holding in his hand was the most he'd ever written in his lifetime. He normally just used writing for keeping score.

If any of them told anyone he didn't know how to spell his own name, he wouldn't stop at just killing them. He'd force them to listen to Yachiru's Baby Beluga cd while he cut inches off them from the toes up. That'd learn 'em.

The students were getting settled in their chairs. For some reason most of the front rows were empty, and some had felt the need to bring their zanpaku-to's to the presentation.

As Zaraki painstakingly reread what he'd scribed last night, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Yachiru took their seats in the front row. Somehow that cleared the area out even more.

Ikkaku's slouch spoke volumes, but he believed in getting in the last word. "What's the point of this, anyway? Most of these guys won't even make it into the Squads."

Yachiru nodded. "And those that don't will be cut down by half on missions!" She said brightly, causing several nearby faces to blanch. Yumichika wisely held his tongue, but his snickers did not go unnoticed.

"You got somethin' to say?!"

"N-no –snicker- not at all, Ikkaku san. It's just-snicker- well, you do know that the students can hear you, right?"

Ikkaku stood up straight. "THEY'RE EAVESDROPPING?!" He hissed, wheeling on the fledglings behind him. They clambered over one another to get out of the path of his ire.

Yachiru softly sang to herself. "…swims so wild and he swims so free…"

Kenpachi's eye hurt. A lot. In the interests of being better able to puzzle out his scratchy handwriting, he pulled off his eyepatch. The resulting rush of reiatsu gave him a bit of an aura. Some of the students were honestly shivering.

Unohana stood to the podium, tapping the mike. "Good evening, everyone! I hope everyone is present for the orientation, because we're a half hour late and we can't afford to waste any more time. I'm Unohana Taicho, captain of 4'th company. My company and I have been given the responsibility this year of organizing your first few days of basic training. Now, we know some of you must be scared, since there are a lot of ugly rumors about the hazing that used to take place for new recruits. We've asked a captain to speak on the subject and advise you on how to conduct yourselves these next few days. So please pay attention, since I'm now giving the mike to Kenpachi Taicho of 11'th company."

Zaraki strode to the mike slowly, his manner almost funereal. The students shuddered even more. He's TOYING with us.

The inside of Zaraki Kenpachi's head might have surprised them. Usually it was what one might expect- death, battle, loud noises, obtuse calculation- but today he had gradually, since waking, gone from shit to shitshitshitshitshit_shitshitshitshitshit__**shitshitshitSHITSHITSHIT.**_ The inside of his brain, normally so clearly defined on what it wanted, was quickly becoming mush under the bright glare of the spotlight.

Finally reaching the mike, he placed the paper on it. Unfortunately, after having been handled by his sweaty palms all afternoon, it curled and turned. He shuffled it back into place. It curled again. Again he repaired it. Again it warped. Unbeknownst to him his arms began returning it to flatness with more force than was necessary- this lasted about three minutes- and the final time, the podium cracked jaggedly down the middle. Some of the students gripped each others arms. By now his face was so twisted in frustration that most of the people directly in front of him actually moved to the other sides of the auditorium.

He tapped the mike and it screeched loudly, making him start and half draw his sword. Unohana put her head in her hands. She'd KNOWN this was a bad idea.

Kenpachi laid his hands flat on the podium and began to speak. "Hello-kids!" He declared. "My-name-is-Zaraki-Kenpachi-but-you-may-call-me-Ken-cha- wait, I didn't- YACHIRU!" The girl giggled. "I'm going to KILL yo- Ahem." He gathered himself. His reiatsu did too. The pressure in the room made some students curl into the fetal position. "You-may-call-me-Kenpachi-taicho. I-am-here-to-talk-to-you-about-your-first-few-days-in-Sereitei." He began to tense up as he lost his temper with all the attention. Everyone was LOOKING at him!

"_In-the-last-years-there-have-been-some-examples-of-students-being-hazed-or-feeling-overwhelmed-with-their-workload. The-captains-and-your-teachers-want-you-to-feel-comfortable-which-is-why-they-have-asked-me-to-give-you-__**a-few-pointers."**_ As he grew more frustrated his voice became louder and louder. His reiatsu, reacting to the perceived danger, began to flare visibly, and behind him a giant skull flickered in the air. One or two students dove under their seats and put their hands over their heads.

"_**My-subordinates-and-I-spent-last-night-coming-up-with-the-following-rhyme-to-remember. If-it-bothers-you,-run-it-through."**_ Yumichika had been a little uncertain about that, but it seemed sound to the rest of the company. _**"We-have-plenty-of-counselors-and-teachers-willing-to-listen-to-you're-problems. However-the-captains-are-aware-that-you-may-need-to-take-action-and-so-we-made-a-list-of-acceptable-times-to-kill-a-fellow-student."**_ Unohana groaned loudly. Some of the students with weaker stomachs vomited.

Kenpachi's voice began to speed up in his rush to get the hell away from here. He wanted to be back where things made sense, half dead in a forest with a hundred corpses strewn around him while he waited for the next wave. _**"IF-A-FELLOW-STUDENT-FLUSHES-YOUR-HEAD-IN-A-TOILET-YOU-MAY-KILL-THEM. IF-A-FELLOW-STUDENT-COPIES-YOUR-HOMEWORK-YOU-MAY-NOT-KILL-THEM. IF-A-FELLOW-STUDENT-PAINTS-FUNNY-PICTURES-ON-YOUR-FACE-WHEN-YOU-ARE-ASLEEP-YOU-MAY-KILL-THEM. IF-THEY-LOOK-AT-YOU-FUNNY-AT-LUNCH-YOU-MAY-NOT-KILL-THEM-UNLESS-THEY-DO-IT-TWICE. **__**IF-A-FELLOW-STUDENT-TALKS-TOO-MUCH-YOU-MAY-NOT-KILL-THEM. **__**IF A FELLOW STUDENT ASKS YOU ABOUT YOUR FREAKY HAIR YOU MAY NOT KILL THEM. IF A FELLOW STUDENT THROWS YOU OUT OF YOUR DORMM NAKED YOU MAY KILL THEM. **__**IFAFELLOWSTUDENTREPLACESYOURSHAMPOOWITHHAIRDYEYOUMAYKILLTHEMTHANKYOU**__**PLEASECOMESEEMEIFYOUHAVEANYPROBLEMS**__**WEHOPETOSEEYOUIN11TH**__**COMPANY!!"**_ Kenpachi finished gasping, his hands crushing the side of the podium. His spiritual pressure had flattened the mike and the end of the speech had been delivered at several octaves above operatic volume Some students had fainted, some were frozen in fear. All that weren't were making a mad dash for the doors. A couple had wet pants.

Zaraki, gratefully, blissfully, ecstatically, turned and burst through the wall behind him, drawing his sword. There had to be SOMETHING around here he could fight. Yachiru clambered over the rubble after him, bouncing up to his shoulder and praising him thoroughly.

Ikkaku and Yumichika stood and stretched. Walking towards the hole in the door they passed Unohana, who was looking around in shock at the remains of her assembly. Yumichika patted her on the shoulder and said, "Hey, it could have been worse."

"HOW?!" She demanded, motioning to the devastation and the bodily fluids left on the floor.

Yumichika was at a loss. "Um.. well.." Ikakku leapt in for the save, "There could be Hollows in here with us." The two made a swift retreat before Unohana came to her senses.

"So, what're the odds on new recruits?"

Yumichika gave it some thought. "About how likely is it that you'll have grown hair by tomorrow?"


End file.
